I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
