Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
