we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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