nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
They have beer where we have blood.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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