If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
