i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Your topless pictures make me question reality
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
