You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
