Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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