All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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