Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
