here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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