just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
