The beer is more important than you right now.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
