I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
