So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
