You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
