I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
