those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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