matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
