I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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