He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
