just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
