Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm really busy with my period
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