You can't special order awesome
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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