YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
