people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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