Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
