If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I puked a lego.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
