the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
