Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
