He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
