She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i out mim tonsoeep
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