I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
