He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
