I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Who died my cat blue again?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
