You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
