I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
