I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
