The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
