i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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