Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
this boner is exhausting
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
