just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I faked an abortion last night.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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