Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
