Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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