I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
