I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
