living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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