we're chasing vodka with high fives
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
