I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
