The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
