you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
