turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
