My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
