My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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