Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
