too bad you live with your parents still
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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