i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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